🌿 Weekly Weed Horoscope: Puff, Puff, Prophecy 🌿
February 16 – February 22, 2025
The stars are high, and so should you be! The universe has spoken, and it’s got some very specific smoking assignments for each zodiac sign. Don’t question it—just light up and let fate take the wheel.
♈ Aries (March 21 – April 19) – Durban Poison
Your energy levels are at chaotic squirrel mode, Aries. Instead of scaring the neighbors, channel that wild enthusiasm into something productive—like running laps around your living room. Durban Poison will keep you focused and fired up. Try not to challenge your friends to an impromptu wrestling match (again).
♉ Taurus (April 20 – May 20) – Granddaddy Purple
Taurus, the snack god of the zodiac, this week is all about maximum coziness. You deserve to be wrapped in a burrito blanket with a mountain of munchies. Granddaddy Purple will slow your roll in the best way possible. Warning: You may wake up surrounded by empty chip bags and zero regrets.
♊ Gemini (May 21 – June 20) – Sour Diesel
Your brain is already on 25 tabs open at once mode, Gemini, so let’s lean into it. Sour Diesel will keep your thoughts racing but in a fun, conspiracy-theory-researching-at-3AM kind of way. Just don’t try explaining quantum physics to your cat—again.
♋ Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – Blue Dream
Cancer, you’re about one nostalgic song away from full emo mode. Instead of texting your ex or dramatically staring out the window while it rains, hit some Blue Dream and let those feelings flow. Maybe channel them into poetry—or a dramatic one-person reenactment of your life’s biggest heartbreak.
♌ Leo (July 23 – August 22) – Pineapple Express
Leo, you were born to be the main character, and Pineapple Express is your co-star. This week, everything you do will feel like an epic adventure. Grocery shopping? An action-packed thriller. Cooking dinner? A high-stakes culinary showdown. Just try not to narrate everything you do out loud… or do. The world needs more entertainment.
♍ Virgo (August 23 – September 22) – Harlequin
Listen, Virgo, we get it—you’re very responsible. But even your Type-A self needs to chill. Harlequin will take the edge off without making you feel like you’ve abandoned your to-do list. Just know that the world will not fall apart if you leave a dish in the sink. Probably.
♎ Libra (September 23 – October 22) – Wedding Cake
Libra, you thrive on good vibes and aesthetic experiences, and Wedding Cake is here to make everything feel extra beautiful. You’ll be floating through life in a euphoric haze, spreading positivity, and maybe getting just a little too emotionally invested in reality TV drama.
♏ Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) – Lava Cake
You mysterious, brooding enigma, you. Lava Cake is the perfect strain for your intense, “I’m plotting something but won’t tell you what” energy. Whether you spend the week lost in deep thoughts or just staring into the void for fun, you’ll be doing it with unmatched Scorpio swagger.
♐ Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) – Green Crack
Sagittarius, you’ve got zero chill this week, and honestly? We love that for you. Green Crack will fuel your need for adventure, whether that means booking a last-minute trip or just trying to skateboard for the first time (please wear a helmet). Go forth and cause good-natured chaos.
♑ Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) – Northern Lights
Capricorn, you need a break. No, really. Put down the spreadsheets and step away from the five-year plan. Northern Lights will help you finally relax before you start scheduling your next breakdown. The world will still function if you take a nap (but you might want to set an alarm—just in case).
♒ Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) – Amnesia Haze
Aquarius, your brain is already operating on a different frequency, so let’s go all in. Amnesia Haze will send you deep into the existential wormhole you love to explore. Just remember: writing down your best high thoughts is a must, unless you want to forget the meaning of life by morning.
♓ Pisces (February 19 – March 20) – Gelato
Pisces, you are fully floating through another dimension this week, and Gelato is your magic carpet ride. Expect to daydream, doodle, and maybe stare at a lava lamp for hours. Just try not to get so lost in your own world that you forget where you put your lighter. Again.
🔥 Cosmic Strain of the Week: MAC (Miracle Alien Cookies)
Feeling indecisive? Let the whole zodiac unite over MAC—a trippy, giggly hybrid that’ll make you feel like you just unlocked a new level of existence. Perfect for deep convos, uncontrollable laughter, and maybe finding the motivation to finally do your laundry.
Stay high, stay cosmic, and may your stash never run dry. 🚀💨✨
Stay Lifted and Dont Forget Bong O’Clock at 4:20!